Goodbye 2008

December 23, 2008 | Filed Under confessions | 5 Comments 

Probably the most beautiful year of my life is going to die soon. Though it had its moments of despair and will have some more (still about 8 days to go). But it still was good.

I chose not to write anything about what happened in Bombay. It hurt badly. A whole lot of people lost their lives and sizable number lost their sanity. Psycho-terrorism seems like the latest trend. I don’t see any cause or intention behind it anymore, apart from the morbid fascination of hunting and killing real people. I really have no mollifying words for them who were deeply affected by it. It was tough shit. Hopefully you will move on.

Whenever I am so deeply affected, I try to recount the beautiful moments. If you remember the end of the movie – American Beauty, you will know what I mean. The beauty (for the want of a better word) visits us everyday, it is whether we choose to look at it or turn our faces and look away. You sometimes want to look away as beauty seems too out of place to our eyes at times.

A lot of my friends care a lot for this world. In fact most of you who would be reading this, do. And you are all trying, some in small ways some in big. I admire you all. But do no lose yourself in this change. Stop and look around you. Sometimes we just go numb and fail to see that the world we are trying to make is in some way already there. Don’t wait to enjoy it till everyone becomes the person you want them to be.

For those who are entangled in your daily struggles, I know you guys will sooner or later make it through. You think that when you make it through, you will find happiness. But life can be full of shit. Sorry, if my words are discouraging, but what I am trying to say is that in retrospect you will always cherish these struggles, may be you can add happiness to these memories by looking around and finding this “beauty” that i am talking about.

Sorry, if I am being preachy. Or talking to you like some +ve mental health guru. The Bombay thing spurred me on. I won’t delete it, for what it is worth. You can always ignore it, ignoring anything is not very difficult.

But yes 2008 was about trying to find this “beauty”. Sheesh! am back at it again. I think I should try to tell you more about this beauty and what it means. Or rather where I found it.

Remember Pasqual? We were in Goa earlier this year. it was the last day, some of us had already left for Bombay. Pasqual is a crooner at the Stone House Grill and he says almost all the songs that I love. While this was happening there was small tiff happening and it could have ruined the evening, but it didn’t. At least not for me. The following morning we sat atop chapora fort talking about seinfeld and friends. Lived beauty is very underrated.

Then later in the year when I moved to pune. I was new to the city, and I wasn’t quite enjoying it. I thought to myself, I have to run away from here soon. It was mid summer and yet the city felt cold. But I had consciously selected the life, so I had no one to blame. I was fascinated by small things. Once a girl came and sat on my table in a crowded McDonlads. We sat opposite each other and ate our meals quietly. I don’t think either of us looked at each other. But there was something comforting about it.

I also had great times drinking beer and watching the twenty 20 world cup at a friend’s place. Someone who helped me more than he realizes. Who took me around and helped me select a house. Who gave me homemade food. And whom I piled on for many a evening. Sometimes we can’t see the inherent good in people. And it is this inherent good that takes them from people you know and makes them your friends.

Shashi and me have been friends since Webaroo, and now he is working on a matrimonial search engine – www.bandhan.com. it is a fantastic search engine. And if you are looking to get married or looking to get someone else hitched, this is an almost perfect site to start. Please do spread the word on this.

Sorry! if that seemed like an ad. But that too was a part of this year. It’s beginnings are rooted in 2008 and I hope it rides the storm.

Work seemed to get better with time. At least I wasn’t dying to run away. There are people from various countries working in the same department as I am. The Japanese and Chinese have their influences on me and I enjoy having conversations with them. It’s like the world came knocking on my door. I usually have a Van Gogh painting on my desktop. One day this German translator comes and tells me, it’s nice to know that you like van gogh. That’s the time, I think i made peace with this company.

I visit bombay every other weekend. i usually get to drive the car when i am there. one particular night when i was driving back from bandra to powai. i realized how much i loved the city. and while the hustle-bustle had driven me out, how a calmer sunday bombay is so fascinating. it reminded me of the times i drove around the city with G. Those were happier moments driving around with someone you love. But the realization that came being alone in a relatively inanimate vehicle and driving around an extremely animated city was something worth treasuring. Though I don’t think you will get it, you will need my eyes to see what i see.

Also being away from home made me more appreciative of my mom. Sometimes you need distance to see how amazing people are. I think she has lived a great life and she continues to, and she will continue to. All my thoughts and philosophies are inherited from her (some of them come from my dad too). Of course, I have made some up myself. She is a little bit like the Oracle from Matrix. Says what you need to hear. She takes tutions too. Teaches hindi and marathi to children from 5-15, but i think it is just a pretext and there is something remarkable going on in the backdrop. When these kids are 30, i hope they come back and meet her and show her what they have become, i think it will please her immensely even if she shows she is not bothered. And I am sure most of these kids will, in fact they show their appreciation even now. Both me and my bro have not been probably as appreciative.

I also realize that I am in the midst of people who will eventually save the world. ‘What am I doing amongst them?’ is a question i keep asking myself. May be they are all trying to save me. I don’t think you know whom I am talking about. I don’t think you should know either, even if you are one amongst them. You shouldn’t see things clearly. Clarity blurs vision.

Nano was born this year . She who will drive us all crazy. Imagine to be born in the family of 7 brothers, to be a girl, and to be the youngest. Like Ani says, “someone has already written a poem for her, and someone has already sang for her, she is going to have high expectations from her boyfriend.” I hope life pans out well for her. 2009 will be all about teething, walking, and trying to talk. Sounds like fun.

Sometimes you don’t know, what you want from life. So for life to come and give it to you when you are lost between trying to buy furniture, figure out whether you like your job or not, trying to get a foothold in a new city, hoping to move on, trying to make sense — it’s a little tough to accept the gift. But I am glad I accepted the gift. I am glad I could still catch the beauty. Beauty is elusive most times. Also it is fleeting most times. It is abstract and you can almost never express it. Sometimes though it manifests in forms that are easier to understand and recognize. Also when you point out this beauty to people, they also see it. They don’t believe you when you talk about it, but when they see it, their faith in you is restored. Gifts like these are rare. But there are times when they look at you from across a room of crowded people. Times when they pass you by on streets. Times when they pull your leg and you would gladly not retort.

Sometimes, you make your own gifts and give them to yourself. Sometimes you make it all up. Like calvin gifted himself hobbes. Hope you guys have a fun 2009.

Of course I have not said it all here. But I realize I have said too much.

Godspeed!

Sawai Gandharva Fest – A first timer’s experience

December 15, 2008 | Filed Under Poetry, Point of View, Theatre & Movies, life's answers | 1 Comment 

And I almost missed it. Thankfully there were friends around who kept talking about it and it generated enough curiosity for me to experience it. To confess I hadn’t heard about the festival before, there had been passing mentions of it in my life earlier, particularly by a friend called Vishakhadutt, but nothing had prepared me for it. I was amazed.

For those who don’t know: Sawai Gandharva is a music festival started by Pt. Bhimsen Joshi as a dedication to his guru – Sawai Gandharva. It’s now a 56 year old tradition. The greatest of musicians perform here. The genre is purely Indian classical. About 15000 people attend the festival every year, but it could be much more. The festival has grown to be larger than life. It’s also interesting to hear the conversations of people around you, they know their artists and talk about their idiosyncracies, they also know their music. It’s an experience worth taking and revisiting.

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Thank you A & H for introducing me to this.

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While there, i wrote a few music scapes. Haven’t edited them much. So execuse the mistakes.

Here they are:

During the performance of the brothers Rajan & Sajan Mishra (vocals)

The casual droning of the tanpura muffles the voices of a soulless melody that emanates from the heart and reaches the Fingertips.
God lets man supersede him at times. Reluctance of being a man falls apart. Bit by bit it becomes the beats of a tabla. Accompanying the tanpura they leave the man they occupy. They become what lesser mortals will never be.
Ants – They Crawl over what remains, releasing a sigh that grows into a moan. A moan that slowly grows wings and flies. And in its flight it meets another bird, another bird that’s emanated from dead skin, a hint of desperation and a rhetoric gone mad.
Together they fliy over a sea, a sea that has been thirsty for years. They are the bashirs of a never ending rain. But it is still far – the droplets will take their own time to come. For now there is only hope. But unlike before, this hope comes with a promise. The birds Slowly land on to the parched land. And wait in peace.
For only when war is over, will man see who he really is.
The rain will come.

During the performance of the brothers Rajan & Sajan Mishra (vocals)

The dust gathers dust
It’s been a while since someone has even been here
Centuries may be
Seth was last seen here
May be this is what he saw
And decided to be the progenitor of mankind
He too had seen hatred
brother killing brother
He Foresaw The bleakness
he also foresaw the beauty
A Beauty that
Even Methusaleh couldn’t have managed to see in all his llfetime
A beauty that would need at least a billion lives
And yet
The eyes would be hungry
The ears unsatiated
He would have to risk a hundred  Kanes
Killing a billion Ables
For the few SethS
Who would assimilate this beauty
And use it
To recreate paradise
The few Seths who would die a billion times
And a hundred More…
And Survive..

During the performance of Ronu Muzumdar (flautist)

The bird soars high
Slowly but surely
Sure of  What it’s doing
Sure of the eventuality
Sure of its proximity to the sun
Sure of its descent
Sure Of its eXtraordinary fate
UnKnowing of the outcome
the higher it flies
The lonelier the illusion
The emptier the arena
What it seeks?
A desert  in the sKY
For its death is foretold
But its life still a mystery

During the performance of Pandit Jasraj (vocals)

An opening in the sky
A ray of light passes through
Banished from the Kingdom
It seeks to find a meaning
A meaning so ordinary
So simple
That
The puzzle is solved
But what mystifies the man whose eye it enters is the need for demystification
Thus the puzzle is passed on
Only its form changes
an incessant cooing of the cuckoo catches the man’s ear
In an attempt  to find the beholder
The ray of light leaves his eyes.
It travels thru the branches of a tree
Who embraces its very being and breaks it into a million pieces
Thus the puzzle prospers
It blooms and bears pollen
Travels on the back of a bee
And discovers honey
For what it thinks is sweet death
Is but humiliation
A theft of freedom
It desires to break free once again
It counts a million moments
And then jumps into a cup reluctantly
Trying to enjoy its freedom between two cages
The last it remembers is hot water flowing over it and the gentle aroma of camomille
Which picks its burnt soul
And rises
And resuscitates it
The awakening-
The cloud opens up…
An angry demeanor hides the wisdom
And lets A ray escape
Another puzzle bears wings
A potter awaits,
the clay is wet …